Wednesday, March 12, 2008
best of craigslist
Found: Short, Fat, Smelly, Fugly Critter
April 8, 2007
At about 7:00p.m. tonight, after a near-perfect day in Santa Cruz, the evening was shattered by a frenetic, biblically ugly dog.
I was driving home on Corral de Tierra Road near the country club, and nearly hit a small furry thing running in the road. Well, I didn't hear a thump, so I looked in the rear view mirror, and there was still a black dot running up the road.
So I turned around, parked and got out of my truck. It was quickly apparent that it was a little dog, which came running toward me, oblivious of traffic. It nearly ran under a passing SUV on the way. As it got closer, I got a look at it. It is about the size of a bread box, and looks like a turd with fur.
It darted at me, and right passed me, in a game of suicide tag. Traffic on that part of the road does about fifty and it was getting dusky. On the third pass, the dog did a sweeping turn in to the road, and a large truck had to cross into oncoming traffic to avoid it.
So I decided to see if it had a tag, which it did not. Has a collar though. So, knowing that being a tiny black dog playing with fast traffic at night would almost certainly be a less than stellar life choice, I scooped the wet, smelly critter up and took it home.
I have now spent fifty-seven minutes with the dog in my house, and can describe some things about it.:
* It looks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman and an Ewok.
* It smells bad.
* It was very thirsty.
* It was very hungry.
* It wants to be friends
* It is some class of terrier
* It is pitch black.
* It is probably a she.
* Its kidneys are functioning properly.
* It is not very bright.
The dog walks toward and then past my file cabinet, pauses, thinks better of Plan A and whips quickly around in an about face - and smacks it face square against the metal file cabinet. Acts completely undaunted and saunters off to stand in the middle of the room, staring blanky at the wall. So I get up and let it out to piss. The dog spends fifteen minutes outside and does nothing. I let it back in, and it promptly pisses on the rug. This dog is really stupid, and really ugly
If this is your dog, I do not expect you will be rushing to claim it. Nevertheless, I will be posting signs around tomorrow, and contacting the SPCA. If this is your dog, please claim it. No reward required - having the dog gone will be reward enough.
So, obviously your dog is missing or you wouldn't be looking at this ad. You're reading it, going "No way. That couldn't be my precious Wumsypoo". The problem is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder - this IS your dog, and deep down, you know it is. So come claim her/him/it.
April 9, 2007
OK, I let your dog out at 7:30 this morning to piss, and it took off for the hills like a rocket. Fifteen of my valuable minutes later, I located it. This is what it looked like (note the Dustin Hoffman resemblance):
So I issued the sure fire, dog-obedience #1 command "come". Here is the instant result:
Hi, sorry to be the one to break it to you, but your dog is dumber than dirt.
So here's the deal. I am now offering a reward - not for the dog ( I already have it, right?) - this reward is for you, the owner of Stupidpoo. I am offering 47 cents and a sample package of Mujarep coffee beans to anyone who can locate the owner of this dog. By lunch I will probably increase the kitty to dump the doggy.