Cornelius Völker

Neil Farber

best of craigslist

Brackett St Guy Who Pees Out His Window

You are the super-hot dude who pees out of your second floor apt window. Just want to let you know that the m/f couple who live in the building next door love the show! Keep getting hammered!!!!

Tala Madani

best of craigslist

I spilled grandma on you around spadian station - w4m

You: unsuspecting lonley sad looking boy on subway

Me: Girl with blue Urn

I spilled my grandmother on you, im sure you remember, If you see this we should do lunch...this time without grandma

CHARLES YUEN

best of craigslist

To the Drunk Hottie who fell off my motorcycle

I met you at the bar last night, and we hit it off. Ya we were both a little buzzed, but you seemed as into me as I was into you. Things got to things, we made out a bit, and you ended up going home with me on the back of my motorcycle, which was awesome because that doesn't usually happen to me. I luckily had the extra helmet with me and let you wear my bike jacket while suffering the cold on the way home. I was feeling pretty happy and lucky to say the least.

This is where things got crazy.

I don't know if you slipped, or thought I was taking you home to kill you, or if your're just plain crazy and had a change of heart, but all of a sudden you let go of me MID-TURN and went flying into the bushes at about 10-15mph near the park by my house. I was so freaked out!!! when I looked back to see you fumbling in the bushes I could only PRAY TO GOD that you didn't hit the asphalt or something worse.

I really thought you must have been hurt at least a bit, but as I turned around to come check on you, you took off into the unlit park running full speed with my helmet and jacket still on! I parked my bike and looked for you for over 2 hours calling your name until I was so cold I had to go home or risk freezing to death.

WTF

Im sorry for what happened and I really hope your're ok, really I do, but seriously WTF. Running into a forested park in the middle of the night like that....I really can't begin to guess what you were thinking, and you weren't that drunk, but i suppose my "crazy-bitch o' meter" wasn't working at the bar that night, and from the speed you took off I can only surmise that your're not that hurt. I would like my expensive bike gear back though, I hope it kept you warm during your psychotic episode, but it IS mine and I kinda need it to get around in the winter. If you could return it to the bar for me, check in with your shrink, and promise to never come near me again that would be great, cause you scared the #*$% outta me and are costing me alot of money.

Sincerely,
Very cold/poor motorcycle rider who will never let women near his bike again.

BLU

best of craigslist
Free Man's Toupee
Only worn twice. From The House of Frank. Real human hair. Brownish blonde with a sprinkling of gray highlights. One size fits all. Can be trimmed to suit taste. Wash in washing machine, gentle cycle. No bleach. Looking for new owner because neighborhood dogs growl at me when I wear toupee. Also squirrels chase me down the street. Maybe you will have better luck. email for p/u.

Cecily Brown

best of craigslist

Celebrity Nail clippings for Elementary Math tutor

I work at a very prestigious nail salon in new york, with an a-list clientel. I have a collection of nail clippings from various clients such as Cameron Diaz, Gweyn Stephani, Beyonce and Scarlett Johansen. My son who is in 7th grade is in desperate need of a Math tutor. I live in Manhattan and I would be willing to meet at a mutual location with my son. I will be willing to trade my collection for four one hour sessions. Serious inquiries only please. Thank you.

Luc Tuymans

best of craigslist

Found: Short, Fat, Smelly, Fugly Critter

April 8, 2007

At about 7:00p.m. tonight, after a near-perfect day in Santa Cruz, the evening was shattered by a frenetic, biblically ugly dog.
I was driving home on Corral de Tierra Road near the country club, and nearly hit a small furry thing running in the road. Well, I didn't hear a thump, so I looked in the rear view mirror, and there was still a black dot running up the road.
So I turned around, parked and got out of my truck. It was quickly apparent that it was a little dog, which came running toward me, oblivious of traffic. It nearly ran under a passing SUV on the way. As it got closer, I got a look at it. It is about the size of a bread box, and looks like a turd with fur.
It darted at me, and right passed me, in a game of suicide tag. Traffic on that part of the road does about fifty and it was getting dusky. On the third pass, the dog did a sweeping turn in to the road, and a large truck had to cross into oncoming traffic to avoid it.
So I decided to see if it had a tag, which it did not. Has a collar though. So, knowing that being a tiny black dog playing with fast traffic at night would almost certainly be a less than stellar life choice, I scooped the wet, smelly critter up and took it home.

I have now spent fifty-seven minutes with the dog in my house, and can describe some things about it.:

* It looks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman and an Ewok.
* It smells bad.
* It was very thirsty.
* It was very hungry.
* It wants to be friends
* It is some class of terrier
* It is pitch black.
* It is probably a she.
* Its kidneys are functioning properly.
* It is not very bright.

The dog walks toward and then past my file cabinet, pauses, thinks better of Plan A and whips quickly around in an about face - and smacks it face square against the metal file cabinet. Acts completely undaunted and saunters off to stand in the middle of the room, staring blanky at the wall. So I get up and let it out to piss. The dog spends fifteen minutes outside and does nothing. I let it back in, and it promptly pisses on the rug. This dog is really stupid, and really ugly

If this is your dog, I do not expect you will be rushing to claim it. Nevertheless, I will be posting signs around tomorrow, and contacting the SPCA. If this is your dog, please claim it. No reward required - having the dog gone will be reward enough.

So, obviously your dog is missing or you wouldn't be looking at this ad. You're reading it, going "No way. That couldn't be my precious Wumsypoo". The problem is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder - this IS your dog, and deep down, you know it is. So come claim her/him/it.

April 9, 2007

OK, I let your dog out at 7:30 this morning to piss, and it took off for the hills like a rocket. Fifteen of my valuable minutes later, I located it. This is what it looked like (note the Dustin Hoffman resemblance):



So I issued the sure fire, dog-obedience #1 command "come". Here is the instant result:



Hi, sorry to be the one to break it to you, but your dog is dumber than dirt.

So here's the deal. I am now offering a reward - not for the dog ( I already have it, right?) - this reward is for you, the owner of Stupidpoo. I am offering 47 cents and a sample package of Mujarep coffee beans to anyone who can locate the owner of this dog. By lunch I will probably increase the kitty to dump the doggy.

donald baechler

best of craigslist

lvl 8 ogre mage seeks moon queen or druid

I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please be quite buxom and imaginative for play and enjoy fantasy role play aesthetics. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Jan Steen

best of craigslist

Awesome handstitched rug made from ex's fave shirts.

Allright folks...I have this lovely, amazing rug made hade out of my evil ex-fiance's favorite shirts! My idea was this...I would cut them up and sew them together in order to make a mat to place under my cat's litter box. Seemed pretty deserving, right? But then I thought...when my ex left me for a 19 year old hussy, really he ditched Tony Montana (my awesome cat) as well, and Tony shouldn't have to walk on the ex's shirt day in and day out (even if it is only to do his kitty "business").

SO! I am offering you all a piece of history. This rug was made from 3 of my ex's most prized shirts, including an old school Beastie Boys shirt he got at a concert years ago. It really is something, and I spent a lot of time making it, so I don't want it to go to waste.

What do I want in return? Well, I'm pretty broke. Our breakup left me essentially pennyless, but whatever. I'm willing to accept anything in return (extra points if YOU have a tshirt rug made from your evil ex's shirt that you would like to trade). Here's the catch though...you have to promise to abuse this rug. I mean straight up abuse it. Make it a front door mat so everyone can wipe their feet on it. Put it under your cat's litter box. Hang it on the wall and throw offensive things at it...I don't care. But if you could send me a photo of the rug once you've had your filthy way with it, I would be much obliged :D

This is a small photo of the rug in question. It is quite large, and if you want, I have a couple more shirts of his that I would gladly attatch to this rug, making it much larger. If you would like a better photo, please just ask, and I will send one your way. But please, serious offers only. This is a work of art, and I am quite proud of it.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Tim Gardner watercolors

best of craigslist

Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk.

Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk,

Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.

I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.

I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life.

So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary.

No one will ever understand you. You’re so different.

Signed,

Everyone Not Like You

ULLA MAIBAUM

best of craigslist

FOUND: Canadian Tire $Money$

Brief case full of Canadian tire money…one Dollar “bills” very neatly bundled up with those fat purple elastic bands generally used for broccoli. Also, blueprints for some kind of under ground bunker. The only other thing in the briefcase was a mini Etch-e-sketch on a key chain. No judgments people!

So if you can correctly answer at least 2 of the questions below; you must be the rightful owner and I will gladly return the case & contents to you.

1.What is the name of the country where the broccoli was grown? (they are all the same elastics)
2.Can you describe the case? (color, texture, handle(s) etc)
3.Address of the proposed bunker…
4.Bonus points if you care to tell me what the heck you are up to with this much Canadian tire money, who do you know in the broccoli biz, and just generally WTF?!?

I hate Canadian tire so I have no use for this money, I’m just not sure what else to do, so please come get your funny money. P.s. if this is some kind of weird Canadian tire mafia thing, I don’t want any trouble eh?

Henry Darger

best of craigslist

Carton Of Irregular Cat Hats

Hello. I have a big box of used cat and kitten hats that I have collected over the years for various occasions. As of recently my cat, Snowman, is no longer living and thus I am forced to get rid of these precious memories. I would not feel right asking money for them so I am offering the whole box for free. There are many styles from formal to cute and funny.





There is a variety of 14 different hats total. I just hope you and your pet can find as much joy in these hats as me and Snowman once did.

E-mail me if you are interested and I will give you my address where you can pick them up. I can also arrange for a free delivery if you are not too far away.

Thank you, Patty

Suellen Parker

best of craigslist

To the Crazy-bat-shit-lady who picked up the free fridge

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was giving away a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I offering a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap 89 ford pinto with no hub caps car don't get marked up.

2. What part of ' must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the coldest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 11:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few years ago, I used it for a couple of months, ok, I lied, I used it a whole year. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not throw in a couple bucks of gas money to pick it up because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch with a microscope so it wasnt completly described. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the state to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price.No i dont have one in a diffrent color to match your other appliances, No, I don't know where you can get another fridge just like this one for your friend. Yes, I know it's in great condition, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-finding-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.


Yours truly,

the guy that gave you the fridge

JON KORNER

best of craigslist

To the Man in the Motorized Wheelchair

You have restored my faith in humanity.

Lamentably, I work in the Lloyd District, and the largest assortment of food offerings in one place is, in fact, that true testament to the Portland Ghetto zeitgeist, The Lloyd Centre Mall. As I was walking toward the down escalator near the cinemas, having procured my foodstuffs, I noted a group of kids in front of me that should, undoubtedly, have been sitting in class in their middle school and were probably reveling in their shared truancy. As they walked, you came zipping around into their path in a motorized wheelchair like the place was the Portland International Raceway.

The quartet of young punks either did not notice or did not care enough to cede the right of way. That did not seem to phase you. No—you plowed right into the middle of them slammed to a stop, and grouchily shouted something akin to, ‘Jesus Christ! Move, motherfucker!’ out of your toothless maw.

I assure you that the profanity was utterly delicious.

Then you shoved down on that chair’s joystick and took off at a speed that indicated that the world had damned well better move for you.

The kids looked on in disbelief. I think on some level they were too flabbergasted to be offended.

Is it wrong that the cockles of my dark little heart just warmed at you schooling those young punks? And is it wrong that I then thought of myself in my old age shouting at kids to get off my lawn? There is hope. There are young punks a-plenty, and it is my most fervent wish that I get to plow down as many as my heart desires when I’m flying around the mall, my colostomy bag blazing like a standard.

Sir, I salute you. Huzzah!